There has been SO MUCH I’ve wanted to share ever since I found out I’m pregnant back in April, but of course, I couldn’t say anything because I was in the first trimester, and traditionally, you’re not supposed to tell a lot of people you’re pregnant until you reach 12 weeks and the risk of miscarriage drops significantly. So since I couldn’t blog about being pregnant, I just didn’t blog at all. I even stopped posting on Instagram and Snapchat as often. I felt like I had to hide and lay low for a few months both online and offline, otherwise I might let the news slip on accident somehow. But now that I’m in my second trimester and
the whole world social media knows I’m pregnant, I thought I’d write about all the emotions I felt during my first few months of pregnancy.
First of all, I should share how I found out. Chris and I started trying in January but had a couple unsuccessful attempts. Come April, I got super busy with work planning a big event, so even though we were still trying, I didn’t have too much time to obsess over whether or not I’d get pregnant during the Two Week Wait. Once my big work event was over on April 19th, I could start thinking about other things besides work and realized that I had missed my period. I knew there was a possibility I could be pregnant because we were trying, but I also didn’t read too much into it because I figured the stress from work is probably what was making my period late. I figured I should take a pregnancy test just to be sure, so I did, and instead of getting a negative like I was expecting, I got a big fat positive!
When Chris and I started trying, I planned on telling him in a cute way once I got pregnant. I bought a pregnancy book for guys called Your Boys Can Swim and hid it in my closet. When the time came, I would run out and buy a cute onesie or something at Target, wrap them up together, and present it to Chris as a random just-because-I-love-you gift. Well, that’s not how it went down at all. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I ran upstairs, grabbed the book out of my closet, went into his office, said “I have something for you!” and handed him the book. He read the title and chuckled, but I could tell it wasn’t registering with him what I was trying to say, so I finally blurted out “I’M PREGNANT!” and showed him the pregnancy test. That’s when the tears started rolling and all the happiness ensued.
Chris and I agreed we wouldn’t tell anyone, not even our families, until we reached the 12 week mark. I gotta say, it’s really hard keeping such an exciting secret from your loved ones and making up excuses for not drinking at family functions or excuses as to why you have another doctor appointment. In the meantime, I started scouring the Internet in search of answers to all my pregnancy questions, and when I wasn’t doing that, I spent an obnoxious amount of time on Pinterest pinning all things baby-related.
But the time during the first trimester went by slowly. I found out when I was four weeks but couldn’t have my first doctor appointment until 8 weeks, so with the exception of some nausea and food aversions starting up around week 6, it was kind of hard for me to believe I was really pregnant. I would take a pregnancy test once a week “just to be sure.” The positive test would ease my mind for a few days, but then I’d get anxious again. Finally, our first doctor appointment came on May 20th (my mom’s birthday) where we saw our baby and its heartbeat on an ultrasound. That’s the moment when it all became so real to me, leading me to cry both tears of joy and relief right there in the doctor’s office.
They say once you see your baby’s heartbeat at your 8 week doctor appointment, your risk of miscarriage drops a little bit, so I felt pretty good about the pregnancy after we left the doctor’s office that day. But after a few days passed, I’d get anxious again and take another pregnancy test “just to be sure I was still pregnant.” I’m pretty sure what contributed to my anxiety was spending too much time on pregnancy forums; even when I wasn’t purposely on a forum related to miscarriage, I’d stumble upon someone’s post on how she had a miscarriage between 9 and 12 weeks. What freaked me out the most was learning about a missed miscarriage: when a woman miscarries but her body doesn’t register it, so she keeps on having normal pregnancy symptoms and doesn’t find out she miscarried until her 12 week appointment and they can’t find a heartbeat. TALK ABOUT DEVASTATING. It turns out missed miscarriages are rare, so I tried not to think about the possibility too much, but the idea of one still stayed in the back of my mind while I waited for my next appointment at 12 weeks.
Even though I was still experiencing some pregnancy anxiety, we decided to slowly start telling some close family and friends around 10 weeks. I told some of my closest girlfriends who knew Chris and I had started trying at the beginning of the year, and we told his mom, step-dad, and siblings at his mom’s family birthday dinner. It felt so good to finally tell some people!
Finally, our long-awaited 12 week appointment came. I went into that appointment prepared for the worst but hoping for the best, and thankfully, all went well. We saw the baby again, heartbeat and all. We even noticed how much it had grown since the 8 week appointment: it looked like a real baby this time instead of a little blob! More tears of both joy and relief ensued, and I couldn’t help but think, “You made it, Baby M. The hard, scary part is over.”
After 12 weeks, I felt a lot better about telling more people. Chris and I told our dads and my siblings on Father’s Day. We started telling relatives, close friends, and bosses/co-workers after that. Finally, after three months of anxiety, morning sickness, and hiding, we got to shout from the roof tops that we are having a baby and feel excited about it. Pregnancy was finally starting to feel fun and enjoyable for the first time since I saw that big fat positive.
I’m 15 weeks along now and officially in my second trimester. The first trimester symptoms are starting to fade and my baby belly is starting to show. I still feel a little pregnancy anxiety once in a while, because unfortunate events can still happen any time throughout a pregnancy, but I’m learning that this is motherhood. Even when my baby is here in my arms come December, I will have a whole new set of worries on my mind, like keeping it safe in this crazy world we live in and raising it to be a good human being. But for now, I’m going to take things one day at a time and feel thankful we’ve made it this far. Besides, we only get one first pregnancy, so it’s best to just relax as much as possible and enjoy this beautiful experience.