Hello? Is anyone out there?
It’s been about 8 months since I’ve blogged which makes for my longest blogging hiatus to date. My main reason for not blogging is, well, I’m a mom now– a working mom. Free time? Hobbies? Friends? What are those? I have very little time for myself these days and a never-ending to-do list. My life now revolves around a little human and keeping him alive. Everything and everyone else comes second, third, or last.
Another big reason why I haven’t blogged is because I’ve been trying to figure out how much of my life I want to share online, because a big part of my life now involves Aidan. I don’t feel comfortable posting pictures of and sharing details about him on a space like my blog that’s so open to the public.
However, I’ve been through a lot these last 8 months, and I feel the need to share whether people still visit this space or not, because I’ve missed my creative outlet and I’m tired of keeping my thoughts and feelings bottled up. As for sharing photos and info about Aidan publicly, I’m still against that idea for now, but I have recently made the realization that Aidan’s life and my transition into motherhood are two separate topics, and I do want to share the latter in hopes I can connect with other moms out there who may be going through the same things I am and even create some kind of community. I’ve been blogging since 2008 and always imagined I’d be a “mommy blogger” when I had a kid of my own; now that I’m a mom, I still have that desire to write about motherhood, but I hope to do so in a way that still respects the privacy of my son.
Now, onto a little summary of what’s been going on these last 8 months:
- I had Aidan on January 6th. He was 9 days overdue. I was in labor with him for almost 2 days. It’s true what they say about childbirth being similar to running a marathon. I will never, ever forget how exhausted I was after pushing a baby out.
- I will also never forget how hard that first week home was. Learning how to breastfeed while recovering from childbirth and functioning on very little sleep was quite a challenge. I cried a lot.
- My maternity leave eventually got easier. I nursed Aidan around the clock and watched a lot of Parenthood. (Amazing show BTW, all parents need to watch it.) Some people dropped food off and I slept when the baby slept, or at least I tried to. It went by quick, though. Before I knew it, it was time to go back to work. Aidan was only 6 weeks old.
- My first two weeks back at work were hard, but I took comfort in knowing Chris was home with Aidan. Things got really emotional when Aidan started daycare. I bawled in the car after we dropped him off. I cried at my desk. I cried while I pumped in the Mommy Room. The mom guilt was unbearable. I felt isolated and like no one knew what I was going through.
- Things got easier because work got busy so I didn’t have much time during the day to dwell in my mom guilt. Wait, I take that back. Aidan got his first cold after his first week at daycare and was sick for about a month. Cue more mom guilt.
- Apparently when you have a kid in daycare, not only will they get sick a lot, but you and your partner will get sick a lot, too. After Aidan got sick, Chris got sick. I got sick. Chris got sick again. I got food poisoning. March was a rough month.
- In April, our landlord raised our rent, so Chris and I decided to do something we had been talking about doing for a while: apply for a home loan. We got approved. He started searching for houses for us because I was too busy at work to even think about house hunting. He found our dream home right around the time work started to slow down for me. We put in an offer and the seller accepted.
- All of May we were in escrow. There was a lot of document signing and packing. Chris went out of town for work for 5 days and I got a little dose of what it’s like to be a single working mom (NOTE: IT’S NOT EASY). Aidan got sick again. I got a spa pedicure which led to a toe infection. A rash broke out on both my arms and I had no idea why. I started experiencing postpartum hair loss and chopped off my hair. We decided to look for a new daycare for Aidan. I had a shitty first Mother’s Day and realized how much I’ve missed my mom this last year. I cried a lot this month, too. The only positive thing that happened this month was I started working part-time for the summer so I could get some more bonding time with Aidan.
- In June, we moved into our new house. We unpacked as much as we could during Aidan’s naps. I also started job searching. I got invited to interview for a job that I really wanted and would be perfect for me. I had to buy a new suit because I still hadn’t lost the last of the baby weight. It was my first interview in two years, but I did well enough to be invited back for a second interview.
- In July, Aidan started a new daycare. I finally had surgery on my infected toe. I struggled with my milk supply and started working to get it back up. I had my second interview which went better than my first. I didn’t get the job. I was devastated and still am.
- In August, we had our first big house renovation: we got new floors put in. I saw my maternal grandma for the first time in 6 years, which was emotional. I went back to working full time.
I think it goes without saying that 2017 has been the hardest, most stressful year of my life. I know it’s common for the first year of motherhood to be hard, but throw in buying a house, job-searching, random health problems, sleep deprivation, and you’ve got one over-exerted mama who has felt like she’s been in a fog for months. My stress and anxiety hasn’t been this high since I was in college. Every day my goal has been to just survive and get through the day. Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful for my son and our new house, but I would not recommend having a baby and buying a house within four months of each other, and then follow it with applying/interviewing for a job.
Thankfully, the fog is finally starting to lift a little. Now that our new floors are in, we can FINALLY move forward with unpacking and setting up our house. The family calendar has a manageable amount of commitments penciled in for this month. Work is moderately slow. All Things Aidan still take up a lot of my time, but I am slowly learning how to ask for help and make self-care a priority when I need it.
I really hate that my first year of motherhood has been so extremely hard, stressful, tiring, emotional, and disappointing in some ways. This is not how I imagined it would be. But luckily, I have four months left to turn things around and end it on a positive note. I think if I’m able to continue asking for help when I need it and even put myself first once in awhile, I can eventually get out of the fog for good.